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This is where
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eHarmony.com was founded by relationship expert Dr. Neil Clark Warren in
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Older Singles Dating and Looking For Love Online after 55
A 51-year-old man who was married for a few months at 20, raised his daughter
alone and never remarried meets a 50-year-old woman who never had children and
ended her 11-year marriage in 1978. Although neither reports any instant
fireworks, the couple were married within two years.
John and Marcia (who asked that their real names not be used) met on
OneandOnly.com and quickly joined the growing population of people who are over
50, on-line, and altar-bound again. Is there a common secret to their success?
For the three couples I interviewed, each has matured into a sense of what's
really important to them and discovered what they need to make a relationship
work--something each believes could not have happened when they were
younger.
Attraction or distraction?
John and Marcia's union was hardly love at first sight. "Things seemed
to go pretty well, but neither of us was swept off our feet," they recall. "We
just knew we'd had a nice time and had spent a nice evening together. We
weren't physically attracted at first, which made the rest of it much easier.
We were best friends first, and fell in love afterward."
Hope, a 50-year-old, twice-divorced woman who'd been single for fourteen
years before meeting her current husband on OneandOnly.com, reports a similar
experience. "I was (and still am) surprised that we 'took to' each other so
easily," says Hope, who moved herself and her consulting business from Grand
Rapids to Milwaukee, where her husband Dave, 53, is a member of the Symphony.
"Actually, our phone and e-mail conversations had not been stellar, but enough
to see that there were possibilities."
On the other hand, Annie, who is approaching 50, was instantly smitten with
Alan, the same age. "When I got home after our first meeting, I sort of knew
this would be it," she recalls. My friends were very suspicious--they aren't
on-line, most of them--and they thought I was slightly crazy. But compared with
bars and 'social' groups, I think I was the sane one."
The feeling was mutual. Alan, a self described geek (he's a computer
software engineer) says, "I thought the meeting with Annie was just an
opportunity to exercise my very rusty social skills. Thought we'd just have
coffee and chat." But he knew "within minutes" that the relationship could turn
serious--despite the fact that although both were in the midst of separation
and divorce, neither was legally divorced yet.
Role reversals
Before they knew it, these people had become couples--and had to meet
two, three, or even four generations of one another's families. How does being
a parent and introducing a mate to your teenager compare with being a teenager
and bringing someone home to meet Mom and Dad?
Marcia, an only child who'd never had children, suddenly was meeting John's
brother, sister-in-law, daughter, and grandchildren. How did it go? She reports
that John and his brother "are so much alike that it's scary, so I had no
problem warming to him immediately," and his wife "hadn't had a sister-in-law
for so long that she was pretty grateful not to have to handle both of them
alone any more!" And from the way she refers to "our daughter" and "our
grandbabies," you know even before Marcia says so that they "snuck into my
heart and stole it while I wasn't looking." As a bonus, she adds, John's
relationship with his daughter has improved "about 200%" since their romance
began.
John had it much easier; all he had to do was charm Marcia's mother, who
Marcia says was "thrilled to pieces. She'd worried, of course, that I'd be
alone forever, and since she was 81 at the time, she was afraid she'd never
live to see me in a relationship that made me happy. Well, she's seen it
now!"
When mom falls in love
When Annie, a semi-retired theology teacher, psychological counselor and
philosophy instructor, began "singing around the house," she caught her son's
attention. The 20-year-old student, who lives at his mother's house when not at
college, "said I was acting like a teenager," she says with a cyber-grin, "but
he meant it as a compliment."
None of the couples interviewed for this article wish they'd met at a
younger age. "We've talked about this," says Marcia. "We were both married at
20 and agree that it was waaaaaaaaay too young. We hadn't had time to season,
to mellow, to age sufficiently. We needed to experience all that we have in
order to become the people we are and appreciate what we've found in one
another. We have more patience. The little stuff doesn't bother us as much. We
know we're in this forever, but most young people figure that there's always an
'out' and are much less likely to put the effort into making the relationship
work."
No room for betrayal
"The physical part is completely unimportant," Marcia adds. "What
matters...is honesty, faith in one another, belief in one another, and
integrity. Since we're best friends, we relate on two levels, neither one of
which has any room for deception or betrayal."
Hope agrees. "I'm glad we didn't [meet at a younger age]. It would not have
lasted," she says. She lists the things she and Dave have now that younger
couples cannot have: "Life experience. Acceptance that each of us is doing our
very best at that moment. I also have so much less of a fairy tale idea about
marriage, and now find so much more pleasure in it!"
Venus envy?
So is there anything younger couples have that these couples envy?
Dave and Hope say that apart from "the chance to have children together,"
younger couples have "very little" they envy.
"For me, nothing," Alan says. "I don't feel a lot different from my 20s!"
"The only thing younger couples have that I envy is time," Annie says.
"They say youth is wasted on the young. Now I truly understand that."
John and Marcia echo her sentiment. Younger couples, have "absolutely nothing"
they envy--"except that they'd have longer to be together than we have. But if
we can hit 75 or 80, we'll be grateful for even that short a time."
So no matter what your past, you can have romance in your future--and
make it last a lifetime the second time around!
So Get Started! Read our dating tips and advice pages,
review the Web's largest dating sites, place your personals, and being single
will be a thing of the past.
Recommended Online Dating Sites for Singles
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Surprisingly enough, a good match is more science than art.
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These large dating services will match you with people who are compatible not
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Online safety and common sense There are a
few things you want to avoid when meeting people on dating services: spam,
viruses, and con men type liars. The junk email and the liars tend to go
hand-in-hand. And after a short period, it's pretty easy to spot the liars.
Here's an example ..You'll see a personal ad. The woman is gorgeous. In her ad,
she says she's new in town and looking for a casual fling. This already sounds
shady, but it gets even better. She also states that she has no preference on a
guy's age, height, looks, or income. How often does a gorgeous woman seek a guy
with any income, any height, any nationality, any distance away from her, and
aged 21-99? Hmm ... never. What's the story? The story is, it's a scam. This is
a person trying to collect email addresses so they can bombard you with email
advertisements. This type of thing happens all the time. I've even seen
identical personal ads on dating services where the only thing that changed was
the headline and the picture. How do you avoid this? Follow the simple rule of
thumb: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. As far as protecting
your PC from viruses, it's a good idea to have a firewall (something that
protects your ports) and an anti-virus program. And both should be updated
regularly. I can throw out the big names like Norton. But being a big name
doesn't necessarily mean the product is the best, it often means it's simply
the most expensive. Rather than blindly throw out names, I deeply investigated
anti-virus and firewall software. And I was not surprised to find that the top
recommended software was not Norton or McAfee. As usual, being the big name
does not mean being the best. So what was the best anti-virus software?
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